And Let's Have Harold Shipman As "Old People's Special Envoy" While We're At It...

(*Above: Tony Blair, currently busy bringing peace to the Middle East)

I'm in a quandry. After nearly suffering a debilitating Anger Stroke over the suggestion that Tony Blair should be EU President, I'm now finding myself wildly swaying between two points of view; he should absolutely NOT be, and, actually he should...

Here, arguing the brilliantly mishcievous case for ensuring the fucker DOES get the job is George Monbiot, whilst on the other hand with the more traditional and generally popular view that he he should basically just go burn in hell - though far better expressed - is Mark Steel.

Which to choose, which to choose... Oh - hang on. We don't choose. There's no bloody vote is there.



Pic; original source unknown.

Singabore

(*Even Streatham Raceway's kiddie kart track pisses on the Singapore F1 circuit.)

The most entertaining thing about the weekend's F1 race in Singapore?
Without a doubt, Bernie Ecclestone avoiding Jake Humphrey's questions on BBC by pretending to be a dribbling imbecile.
Whilst Jake (who I must admit I'm warming to) actually had the dangly bits to ask some serious full-on questions to Bernie (unlike the lamentable Eddie Jordan who simply stood next to him like a grinning idiot version of Peter Griffin's dad off Family Guy) F1's elder-eldest statesman simply disintegrated into chewing his lips off, glancing around like he didn't know where he was, and simply repeating the questions and random words back at him; presumably in a desperate effort to try and confuse the interviewer.

Pathetic.

As was the race. Dull as ditchwater.

The thing is that it's absolutely unforgivable that the race should be boring, and certainly that it should be boring to watch. They spend kazillions of trillions of billions of dollars making it happen - and starting work on next year's track before this year's race has even happened and all those kind of ludicrous statistics. Buzzing city. Blazing lights. Blah blah, bleedin' blah... What does it look like to the millions who've tuned in to watch it around the world (and probably from other worlds according to the PR hyperbole)...?
It looks like a flat dirty sidestreet surrounded by concrete walls and mile-high fencing.
Astonishing.
All that money, all that effort, all that time and preparation, and it looks like somewhere very grubby between Brixton and Loughborough Junction. Shameful.
Marginally less impressive than the Streatham Raceway. Which is where it should be relocated to in F1's budget-cutting moves. Nobody would notice the difference.

Has Eddie Jordan Just Libelled Fernando Alonso?

"The World Motor Sport Council concludes that Mr. Alonso was not in any way involved in Renault F1's breach of the regulations."
FIA statement, 22_09_09

"Alonso clearly cheated"
Eddie Jordan, on 'PM', Radio 4, 22_09_09

Now when I compare those two statements - and bear in mind that Eddie Jordan's was a reaction to the FIA statement and ruling - I'm left with the distinct impression that surely Fernando Alonso could make a tidy few quid by ringing his lawyers right now.
Jordan has been an utter pillock on the BBC coverage this year - one of the few truly awful things about the BBC's basically decent F1 product - but by any standards this is surely a total clanger.

The context in which he made it was that he was saying that Frank Williams should still be angry because his driver came second in the 2008 Singapore GP (which Alonso won, and which was the race that "Crashgate" / Nelsongate" etc revolves around)...
Now saying that Alonso's first place might be sullied by the fact the scandal surrounding the machinations of Briatore, Symonds and Piquet Jnr is one thing - but it is a very very different matter indeed to maintain that "Alonso clearly cheated", especially when the FIA (mad and inconsistent bunch of freaks that they are) have just exonerated him 100% in the matter a mere 2 or 3 hours earlier.

To me it's just another sign that Jordan should shut the hell up and go away for good. (Unless of course he actually meant to say anything remotely like what blurted out of his mouth...? In which case he should be telling us exactly *how* Alonso clearly cheated, surely - or presenting his evidence to the FIA...?)
But it'd be hellish funny to see Alonso's lawyers take him to the cleaners on the way.

If you think I've misheard something that patently would be too ridiculous to say then check out the programme on the BBC's iPlayer here at about 38 mins 20 secs in...

Bullshit Bingo

I was sat in the beer garden of a bar in Southwark on Friday evening, waiting for some friends - but couldn't help but be drawn into the hilariously "serious' conversation of two businessmen bellowing at each other in loud and nonsensical business cliches, while I waited.
I really wish I could have written it all down as it was pure comedy gold (and I love it when people really feel they have to be heard by everybody else in a bar or restaurant, as it usually means they're idiots) - lots of stuff about "managing upwards", working in a "matrix" (I thought that was fiction I must admit) and "kicking shit in the UK division". But the bit that really got me (and I hope their business isn't involved in any kind of Physics discipline) was when one of them banged out in a gloriously pompous voice a phrase to describe his position in the company; "Yeah, well that's the thing - the gravitational field is much stronger the closer you are to the magnet..."

Tosser.

Matthew Norman: Sheer Class

Just before I head off for the weekend to Donington Park for the MotoGP (updates across the event on the BatiFan Blog and at BatiFans.com) I just had to post this stunning hatchet job by Matthew Norman in The Independent.
Although the article doesn't actually address the primary questions of the dishonesty of the mission in Afghanistan - and the basic principle that our troops should not be there and be in harm's way in the first place - it *does* do a smashing job at ridiculing the utterly ridiculous George Foulkes. Not hard, I know - small children could probably do a decent job - but Matthew Norman's rage at the (literally) Brown-nosing dreg is pure joy and pure class.
Read the article in full...

And Tom Lehrer Said Satire Was Dead...

Tom Lehrer famously said that political satire was obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973.
No matter, it seems that these things are somehow either circular or simply launch into another realm of absurdity as news confirms that our own very special lying dissembling scumbag of a war-crim / mid-east-peace-envoy Tony Blair looks ever more set to become the first EU president.
You really couldn't make it up.

Andy Coulson Must Go

My friend Madame Arcati has long waged a campaign against bullying tory cuntwit Andy Coulson.
For yet more reasons for them to get shot off him, see here...

The Latest Lie On ID Cards

Are you under the impression that the government's announcement that ID cards will be "voluntary" is the end of it?
If for one moment yesterday's news made you think that you could forget about the discredited scheme, please don't. Not for a second.

Basically it's complete and utter spin and weasel words (no surprises there, then...) and the central plan to enforce the ID database goes on unchanged - and that means forcing everyone to register personal info whenever they need to update "certain documents"... that's things like passports or driving licences, and in the process paying for an ID card whether they want it or not.

Calling it "voluntary" is nothing short of dishonest. If you don't submit the details then you won't be able to drive or leave the country.
You have a few weeks before MPs vote in parliament on this, so if it troubles you (and pretty much anything this government does in this area troubles me a huge amount - they've proved themselves not only utterly incompetent and incapable on data and IT matters, but they've also proved utterly dishonest, deceitful and untrustworthy on pretty much anything to do with our rights and liberties) then you should waste no time in writing to your MP.

Also why not go check out NO2ID and maybe join them or make a donation.

This Is What Transparency Looks Like Apparently

Scumbags who have clearly learned nothing whatsoever...

And there's a whole gallery of black marker pen here to show just how embarrassed and shameless this sorry bunch truly are. And, no it's *nothing* to do with security - and it's an insult to even try that excuse on with the public.

Oh, and snippet of the day so far is almost irony-redefining gem from shadow chancellor George Osborne who claimed £47 of our hard-earned cash to pay for two copies of a DVD of his own speech on 'Value for Taxpayers Money'.
Genius.

Guardian Writer Spots Upside To BNP Victory

Despite the fact that opening sentence includes the words "Britain has finally voted in a fascist leader" here is a remarkably upbeat assessment of how the BNP's election victories can allow them to be put under closer scrutiny and for their racist, fascistic shitwit agenda to be properly exposed.

It's appalling that they have been able to gain ground (although it's only slightly reassuring to know that their vote actually wnet down from 2004 - and therefore the gains are at the predictable expense of the mainstream and particularly Labour, in the midst of the current meltdown). Sadly Labour have also made their stance more acceptable by not challenging it as bollocks, but pandering to the worst instincts of those the BNP try to frighten and lurched further and further to the loathsome right themselves.

And Andy Burnham is wrong when he says that whatever happens, the BNP is not the answer. They are, in one and only one particular instance, definitely the answer... And that is when the question is "I'm a complete cunt, who should I vote for?"
And only then.

Parrot Fashion

Despite the utter meltdown in government and in the local & EU elections (BNP taking a Lancashire county council seat for chrissake...) Labour MPs will be glad to know that they don't have to really think too hard about what's happening to them - and what they're inflicting on us.
No, they can just check the brains in at the door as per usual and rely on this handy cribsheet of patronising homilies, soundbites and deflections to use should they be required to give their own opinion...
It's like a very long version of Bullshit Bingo.

Expenses Claim Completely Quackers

(*Taxpayers' money well-spent, don't you think...)

Sorry about the tabloid headline by the way. Couldn't help it.
The latest news on the expenses scandal is the revelation that those who are forced to quit over their thieving from the public purse are likely to get huge pay-offs and pensions... Given how the government has been so adept at rushing through 'emergency' legislation to try and curb our human rights I'll be shocked and disappointed if they don't rush something through to prevent such payouts.
Who am I kidding - I'll be not in the least bit surprised if they do bugger all.

Also, the ludicrous Douglas Hogg MP - from now on to be called Mr Moativator - has actually been bettered by another Tory stereotype, Sir Peter Viggers, who spent well over one and a half grand of our money on what has been described as either a "Duck Palace" or a "Duck Island" - one of which sounds like a Chinese restaurant and the other a very disappointing pirate movie. I personally think it's best described as a "fucking liberty".

The other update is that Hazel Blears' head is now considered to be in serious danger of falling off altogether. It's been madly bobbing around like a bladder on a stick for sometime now, but anyone seeing news reports from the last couple of days must surely be alarmed at the wild rocking and rotating that's developing. Like something out of the Exorcist really...
She needs some scaffolding round it, and sharpish too. But she can pay for it herself, the scheming old bat.

Point Of Order

Something that's becoming quite galling in the current "snouts in the trough" MPs' expenses scandal (and I can only apologise for any offence that might cause to pigs everywhere) is the repeated blame on the 'terrible system' (which, of course, they actually made up and oversee...) and the repeated squirming that they've always acted completely "within the rules".
In the case of Shahid Malik he said that he acted "one million percent within the rules" which suggests we can only be grateful they never gave him a job in the Treasury.

Anyhow - for his plasma screen telly and massage chair, and Douglas Hogg's moat-cleaning, and other poeple's toilet seats, lawnmowers, gardeners, Sky Sports subscriptions, luxury rocking chairs, dog food, tennis court repairs, prams, garage doors, tin openers, etc - there is actually a very simple test as to whether they were inside the rules or not...
You simply ask if they meet the requirements set out in Parliament's own Green Book - Section 1.3 - "Fundamental Principles".

It explicitly says this...
"Claims must only be made for expenditure that it was necessary for a Member to incur to ensure that he or she could properly perform his or her parliamentary duties."

I'd say that was pretty bloody black and white.

To me, even without all the additional clauses about avoiding any notion of impropriety I think I would have the common sense to know exactly what would and would not qualify.
I don't reckon I'd need to ask any Fees Office or anybody else for that matter. If MPs aren't capable of understanding that simple a statement then they are utterly unsuitable to be entrusted with any kind of role in governance and legislation. In fact if they can't understand that, they should really be shelf-stacking or spot-welding or something.

How To Make A Bad Situation Worse 101

(*Above: the modest second home of Douglas Hogg MP)

There's a lot to be learned, I've always held, not only from people's actions, but also their reactions.
In that respect the unfolding slow-motion car crash (or gravy-train crash) of our MPs' expenses scandal is proving hugely instructive.
If you or I pulled some of the fast ones that this sorry shower have done, we'd be in the slammer in no time.
Whereas somehow the MPs caught with their hands in the till (or more accurately, caught with their hands in your and my wallet) seem to think that:
1 - they actually haven't done anything they should apologise for, and...
2 - if they absolutely MUST apologise, then a sneering half-hearted and evasive little gobbet will suffice.

One person who of course actually *has* done something, and something positive, is David Cameron. However I can't really give him any credit for this as:
1 - He couldn't possibly do nothing when one of his mob had claimed for having his moat cleaned,
2 - It's probably primarily a cynical piece of PR, and...
3 - well, he's David Cameron isn't he.

Someone who has totally missed the opportunity to make a genuine or genuinely meaningful apology is PM Gordon Brown who instead had the brainwave of apologising for "the events of the last few days". Yes, that's right - he's saying that he's sorry that they all got found out. Not sorry for all the years of abuse. But just the last few days - the shitstorm of their own making.
And this wonderfully clumsy drivel was actually bettered by Harriet Harman (MP for Camberwell and Peckham and Junior Minister for Hypocrisy and Cant) who told Radio 4's Today programme "in our system we do not have the level of corruption that obtains in many other countries..." which basically means she thinks we're not quite as bad as Nigeria.
Which is nice.

Perhaps the most brazen and bizarre refusal to acknowledge what's wrong is from the Speaker of the House of Commons, Michael Martin. Rather than acknowledging the extent and good cause of public fury, he's mad at the media and any MPs who talk to the media, ranting away at poor old Kate Hoey in a threatening "See you Jimmy" style more suited to Rab C Nesbitt.
But then he has famously abused the system himself to a ludicrous extent.
Should he resign? I say No actually. No, he should stay - and look a complete tool and suffer the indignity of being sacked by other MPs trying to make themselves look slightly less awful than they really are.

Something that's quite strange in all this however is the number of letters to newspapers from people saying that we'd all do the same wouldn't we. It's human nature isn't it. We're no better.
What?
Sorry - but I *am* better, and so is pretty much everybody I know. And no I *wouldn't* do the same and nor would most people I know.
I don't know who these letter-writers may be, but either they're MPs writing in under false names, trying to excuse their actions, or they're just crap human beings with dismally low standards.
And the reason I - and pretty much everyone I know - wouldn't take the piss like the MPs have done has absolutely nothing to do with the risk of getting caught, or not having the opportunity to do so. No. It's because it's taking the piss and because it's wrong. And we - unlike those who govern us, apparently - happen to know the difference between right and wrong, and we have some basic standards of decency and honesty.
And there's no self righteousness in that, and no pomposity. It's just what being a basically decent human being is all about.

Finally, of all the issues (and they all need fixing - pronto, and properly) the one that apparently is most contentious and cannot be agreed upon is the second homes allowance.
The solution is of course easy. MPs should be put up in a block of serviced apartments. Fittings and fixtures - and access to satellite porn channels - could easily be organised and accounted for, and security would be a doddle. it could be near Westminster, or if they can wait till 2012, then there's going to be an Olympic Athlete's Village freed up.
As that meerkat on the advert says... "Simples".



Oh, and I'm sorry, but who has a fucking *MOAT* in the 21st century for chrissakes???
I mean, really...

Shut Up, For The Love Of God Man, Shut The Hell Up

Lewis Comes Back Down To Earth

Although I tend to label myself an ex-F1 Fan nowadays, I must admit that I've found myself watching a bit of racing this season. I'd have probably watched a bit more if most of the Sepang race hadn't taken place under cover of tarpaulins on a monsoon-hit main straight in the dark. But nonetheless it *has* been kind of entertaining.

Apart from the continuing fairytale of Brawn GP, one of the funniest - yet also hugely grating - things has to be continuing disintegration of the sainthood of Saint Lewis Hamilton. And his outburst following today's Spanish GP just continued to confirm the kind of driver McLaren can be so proud of, repeatedly bitching about the car again and again.
I don't think I've encountered such a prissy whinge since my mum last read me "The Princess And The Pea". And I wasn't too impressed by the attitude then either...

In my decades following F1, I've continued to see pretty much all drivers - and certainly all the best drivers - intimately involved with the development of their machinery; ever more so as F1 technology became more and more sophisticated. Guys such as Schumacher and Hakkinen had great reputations in this respect, and don't forget Anthony Davidson whose technical input and driver feedback on the track and in the factory was famously highly regarded over the years.

So, since when did it become okay to just turn up and drive?
And bitch if things aren't going swimmingly?
I'd love to know, as to me it just looks slack and demeaning - and certainly not the attitude worthy of a world champion... (It also makes you think again about all the denials that Hamilton used to just copy 'Nando's setups at each race back in '07...)
Let's be honest, the guy has had a supreme set of wheels the past couple of years - and managed to lose a championship in one of them - and he can't expect things to always be perfect. Surely he was in some way a part of the development team for the car? (And if not, why not...) And surely his best move would be to button it (no pun) and lend some energy and driver input to making a better job of it.

The immature attitude - and the apparent belief that he merely needs to show up at the track - also makes me sad as it seems to be part and parcel of a diminishing McLaren team. I haven't always supported McLaren (my allegiance moved to Wolf when James Hunt did, and then to Ligier and Ferrari along with Didier Pironi, and so on and so on...) but I have always admired them in a huge way. And their continuing disintegration around their superstar is nothing short of tragic.

McLaren need a genuinely stellar figurehead back in place (and that's not Lewis's dad) and a team that functions as a team for a greater purpose than a single (and possibly undeserving) prima donna of a driver.
And they really need to keep Lewis away from the microphone more often.
Ideally by getting him to help work on the car.
But just keeping him away from the microphone anyway would be a good start.

And Another Hurrah!

A sarcastic one this time...
One £285m mortgage rescue scheme. One family helped...
Incidentally, on a note completely unrelated to such absurdities, shit policies and awful mismanagement of the country, foreign policy and international affairs, New Labour celebrates 12 years in power today.

Tube Strike On Beautiful Hot Sunny Day Shocker

(*Above: RMT workers struggling for justice. In the sun. Again.)

Okay, so I'm a commuter who lives on the Victoria Line and am having today's travel royally screwed over by the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union (RMT) going on strike - but, not being in the slightest a cynical or sarcastic individual, I cannot begrduge them such a lovely day in the sun.

Not only is today "EARTH DAY" and so it's almost poetic that the RMT should choose on our behalf to celebrate the environmental event by not running any tubes on the Victoria Line (thereby saving a bit of energy, and forcing people into their cars so they end up using a lot more instead), but also they have managed to choose (at short notice, I'm guessing by looking at the BBC's excellent 5-day weather forecasts...) an absolutely perfect day for it.
The RMT and London Transport workers' unions in general, tend to be pretty good at picking strike days, although today seems something of an exception as they usually pick the Tuesday after a Bank Holiday to pad out a smashing weekend, or a convenient late-night shopping day in the run-up to Christmas.

But fairplay - it's a good call; lovely sunshine and a tremendous midweek break, and only a shame that the rest of us didn't think of something like this too.
The excuse (sorry... "reason") for the strike is apparently a claim that the trains need safety features to prevent doors from opening on the wrong side - something that I've never once experienced or even heard of in my many years living down here.

Enjoy the sun, chaps - and I look forward to everything being back to normal (ie: Shit) tomorrow.

Don't It Make You Proud...

Click here for the final, pitiful confirmation that the war on terror was a complete load of bollocks.
One of the few things that makes me proud to be a Brit right now is the outpouring of utter revulsion in all the responses to this news piece (which emerged from a letter in the paper yesterday).
Would be good if an incident as offensive, loathsome and unnecessary as this might finally trigger someone up top to wonder if policing and policing legislation aren't in dire need of change.
I'll leave that on the "unlikely" list though...

Steinberg Cubase Activation: What A Load Of Shite

Ironically enough, after completely trumpeting a fantastic application (the superb "Yep" - below...) I'm gifted the opportunity to slag one off as being a bag of shite. Thanks Steinberg, and step forward Cubase.
I have to say that there's not really anything wrong with Cubase on a technical level as a music programming and production system - far from it - but having spent my money to buy my own legitimate copy, and to go through a daft online activation process (involving a USB "dongle") and registering it, I've now just found that the application can NEVER be launched without the dongle taking up one of my two USB ports. EVER.

I have just the two ports and I have limited space and too much cabling already; I cannot add more and more shit to my setup just so it can actually function.
More crucially than this particular instance of annoyance though is the question "WTF????"
I mean, really, who uses bloody "dongles" nowadays? Nobody else I buy software from, that's for sure. Adobe, Apple, shareware companies - whoever - I buy the softawre and I run it. And if it's not a simple honest activation system, or it veers to stupid, contrived and paranoid then I stop using it. The last company that had stupid and confounding activation processes getting in the way of me just getting on and using it was Quark. That's one of the major reasons why I now use InDesign (and also a reason I know many other design professionals finally got fed up with Quark).
And it's the reason that I'm going to be working in either Logic or Garageband, or a combination of the two in pulling together the next Smallcreep album, and for any future projects.

As far as I'm concerned, "dongles" are a thing of the past - as are the companies that use them and force them on people who are spending their hard-earned dosh on BUYING legitimate copies of their precious software. If Steinberg had said in big clear writing on *any* of the online and promotional pre-purchase blurb for Cubase that it required one of my USB slots then I would have at least had the opportunity to think "well fuck off and die then... idiots..." before shelling out good money on a copy.
As it is, I feel more than a little aggrieved that such a glaring *down* in the product is kept quiet till you've bought it.

Anyway - Logic and Garageband it is then. And Cubase, and Steinberg can indeed fuck off.
Shame as it was quite a nice piece of software to work with. Something I think I also said about Quark, before I forgot all about it.

Barclays Gags Guardian. But...

Barclays Bank has won an injunction against the Guardian newspaper preventing it from publishing documents which showed how the bank set up companies to avoid hundreds of millions of pounds in tax.
Nonetheless, it seems unfair that at this time more than ever these scumsucking banking pondlife should get ANY backing from the law to cover up how they've abused and robbed the nation at large - and so if you point your browser HERE you can find all the leaked memos online.
Please share...
Sharing is good. :-)