And Let's Have Harold Shipman As "Old People's Special Envoy" While We're At It...

(*Above: Tony Blair, currently busy bringing peace to the Middle East)

I'm in a quandry. After nearly suffering a debilitating Anger Stroke over the suggestion that Tony Blair should be EU President, I'm now finding myself wildly swaying between two points of view; he should absolutely NOT be, and, actually he should...

Here, arguing the brilliantly mishcievous case for ensuring the fucker DOES get the job is George Monbiot, whilst on the other hand with the more traditional and generally popular view that he he should basically just go burn in hell - though far better expressed - is Mark Steel.

Which to choose, which to choose... Oh - hang on. We don't choose. There's no bloody vote is there.



Pic; original source unknown.

Matthew Norman: Sheer Class

Just before I head off for the weekend to Donington Park for the MotoGP (updates across the event on the BatiFan Blog and at BatiFans.com) I just had to post this stunning hatchet job by Matthew Norman in The Independent.
Although the article doesn't actually address the primary questions of the dishonesty of the mission in Afghanistan - and the basic principle that our troops should not be there and be in harm's way in the first place - it *does* do a smashing job at ridiculing the utterly ridiculous George Foulkes. Not hard, I know - small children could probably do a decent job - but Matthew Norman's rage at the (literally) Brown-nosing dreg is pure joy and pure class.
Read the article in full...

Steve Bell on EU President Blair

I must admit to still being close to incandescent with rage at the idea that Blair might be some kind of shoe-in as EU president. I'm certainly outraged at Glenys Kinnock proclaiming him "the UK's choice" (I sure as fuck didn't vote for him... did I miss something?) but on the bright side I'm confident of the IQs of our friends on the continent that they wouldn't possibly stand for it.
Although I would like it if they had a bit of fun by voting for him, got him over there and then ran him straight off to the Hague for trial...

Steve Bell, as usual, gets it spot on.

And Tom Lehrer Said Satire Was Dead...

Tom Lehrer famously said that political satire was obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973.
No matter, it seems that these things are somehow either circular or simply launch into another realm of absurdity as news confirms that our own very special lying dissembling scumbag of a war-crim / mid-east-peace-envoy Tony Blair looks ever more set to become the first EU president.
You really couldn't make it up.

Andy Coulson Must Go

My friend Madame Arcati has long waged a campaign against bullying tory cuntwit Andy Coulson.
For yet more reasons for them to get shot off him, see here...

The Latest Lie On ID Cards

Are you under the impression that the government's announcement that ID cards will be "voluntary" is the end of it?
If for one moment yesterday's news made you think that you could forget about the discredited scheme, please don't. Not for a second.

Basically it's complete and utter spin and weasel words (no surprises there, then...) and the central plan to enforce the ID database goes on unchanged - and that means forcing everyone to register personal info whenever they need to update "certain documents"... that's things like passports or driving licences, and in the process paying for an ID card whether they want it or not.

Calling it "voluntary" is nothing short of dishonest. If you don't submit the details then you won't be able to drive or leave the country.
You have a few weeks before MPs vote in parliament on this, so if it troubles you (and pretty much anything this government does in this area troubles me a huge amount - they've proved themselves not only utterly incompetent and incapable on data and IT matters, but they've also proved utterly dishonest, deceitful and untrustworthy on pretty much anything to do with our rights and liberties) then you should waste no time in writing to your MP.

Also why not go check out NO2ID and maybe join them or make a donation.

This Is What Transparency Looks Like Apparently

Scumbags who have clearly learned nothing whatsoever...

And there's a whole gallery of black marker pen here to show just how embarrassed and shameless this sorry bunch truly are. And, no it's *nothing* to do with security - and it's an insult to even try that excuse on with the public.

Oh, and snippet of the day so far is almost irony-redefining gem from shadow chancellor George Osborne who claimed £47 of our hard-earned cash to pay for two copies of a DVD of his own speech on 'Value for Taxpayers Money'.
Genius.

Cheap Gag Of The Day

Fnarr Fnarr...
Thanks to Chris

"The Excrescence" - Bell At His Best

The utterly awesome Steve Bell on the rise of the BNP in last week's elections...

Guardian Writer Spots Upside To BNP Victory

Despite the fact that opening sentence includes the words "Britain has finally voted in a fascist leader" here is a remarkably upbeat assessment of how the BNP's election victories can allow them to be put under closer scrutiny and for their racist, fascistic shitwit agenda to be properly exposed.

It's appalling that they have been able to gain ground (although it's only slightly reassuring to know that their vote actually wnet down from 2004 - and therefore the gains are at the predictable expense of the mainstream and particularly Labour, in the midst of the current meltdown). Sadly Labour have also made their stance more acceptable by not challenging it as bollocks, but pandering to the worst instincts of those the BNP try to frighten and lurched further and further to the loathsome right themselves.

And Andy Burnham is wrong when he says that whatever happens, the BNP is not the answer. They are, in one and only one particular instance, definitely the answer... And that is when the question is "I'm a complete cunt, who should I vote for?"
And only then.

Parrot Fashion

Despite the utter meltdown in government and in the local & EU elections (BNP taking a Lancashire county council seat for chrissake...) Labour MPs will be glad to know that they don't have to really think too hard about what's happening to them - and what they're inflicting on us.
No, they can just check the brains in at the door as per usual and rely on this handy cribsheet of patronising homilies, soundbites and deflections to use should they be required to give their own opinion...
It's like a very long version of Bullshit Bingo.

Expenses Claim Completely Quackers

(*Taxpayers' money well-spent, don't you think...)

Sorry about the tabloid headline by the way. Couldn't help it.
The latest news on the expenses scandal is the revelation that those who are forced to quit over their thieving from the public purse are likely to get huge pay-offs and pensions... Given how the government has been so adept at rushing through 'emergency' legislation to try and curb our human rights I'll be shocked and disappointed if they don't rush something through to prevent such payouts.
Who am I kidding - I'll be not in the least bit surprised if they do bugger all.

Also, the ludicrous Douglas Hogg MP - from now on to be called Mr Moativator - has actually been bettered by another Tory stereotype, Sir Peter Viggers, who spent well over one and a half grand of our money on what has been described as either a "Duck Palace" or a "Duck Island" - one of which sounds like a Chinese restaurant and the other a very disappointing pirate movie. I personally think it's best described as a "fucking liberty".

The other update is that Hazel Blears' head is now considered to be in serious danger of falling off altogether. It's been madly bobbing around like a bladder on a stick for sometime now, but anyone seeing news reports from the last couple of days must surely be alarmed at the wild rocking and rotating that's developing. Like something out of the Exorcist really...
She needs some scaffolding round it, and sharpish too. But she can pay for it herself, the scheming old bat.

Point Of Order

Something that's becoming quite galling in the current "snouts in the trough" MPs' expenses scandal (and I can only apologise for any offence that might cause to pigs everywhere) is the repeated blame on the 'terrible system' (which, of course, they actually made up and oversee...) and the repeated squirming that they've always acted completely "within the rules".
In the case of Shahid Malik he said that he acted "one million percent within the rules" which suggests we can only be grateful they never gave him a job in the Treasury.

Anyhow - for his plasma screen telly and massage chair, and Douglas Hogg's moat-cleaning, and other poeple's toilet seats, lawnmowers, gardeners, Sky Sports subscriptions, luxury rocking chairs, dog food, tennis court repairs, prams, garage doors, tin openers, etc - there is actually a very simple test as to whether they were inside the rules or not...
You simply ask if they meet the requirements set out in Parliament's own Green Book - Section 1.3 - "Fundamental Principles".

It explicitly says this...
"Claims must only be made for expenditure that it was necessary for a Member to incur to ensure that he or she could properly perform his or her parliamentary duties."

I'd say that was pretty bloody black and white.

To me, even without all the additional clauses about avoiding any notion of impropriety I think I would have the common sense to know exactly what would and would not qualify.
I don't reckon I'd need to ask any Fees Office or anybody else for that matter. If MPs aren't capable of understanding that simple a statement then they are utterly unsuitable to be entrusted with any kind of role in governance and legislation. In fact if they can't understand that, they should really be shelf-stacking or spot-welding or something.

How To Make A Bad Situation Better

...Get Mark Thomas in on it, of course.
One of our finest today served legal papers on Michael Martin, Speaker of the House of Commons, and general arse.

Go Mark!

How To Make A Bad Situation Worse 101

(*Above: the modest second home of Douglas Hogg MP)

There's a lot to be learned, I've always held, not only from people's actions, but also their reactions.
In that respect the unfolding slow-motion car crash (or gravy-train crash) of our MPs' expenses scandal is proving hugely instructive.
If you or I pulled some of the fast ones that this sorry shower have done, we'd be in the slammer in no time.
Whereas somehow the MPs caught with their hands in the till (or more accurately, caught with their hands in your and my wallet) seem to think that:
1 - they actually haven't done anything they should apologise for, and...
2 - if they absolutely MUST apologise, then a sneering half-hearted and evasive little gobbet will suffice.

One person who of course actually *has* done something, and something positive, is David Cameron. However I can't really give him any credit for this as:
1 - He couldn't possibly do nothing when one of his mob had claimed for having his moat cleaned,
2 - It's probably primarily a cynical piece of PR, and...
3 - well, he's David Cameron isn't he.

Someone who has totally missed the opportunity to make a genuine or genuinely meaningful apology is PM Gordon Brown who instead had the brainwave of apologising for "the events of the last few days". Yes, that's right - he's saying that he's sorry that they all got found out. Not sorry for all the years of abuse. But just the last few days - the shitstorm of their own making.
And this wonderfully clumsy drivel was actually bettered by Harriet Harman (MP for Camberwell and Peckham and Junior Minister for Hypocrisy and Cant) who told Radio 4's Today programme "in our system we do not have the level of corruption that obtains in many other countries..." which basically means she thinks we're not quite as bad as Nigeria.
Which is nice.

Perhaps the most brazen and bizarre refusal to acknowledge what's wrong is from the Speaker of the House of Commons, Michael Martin. Rather than acknowledging the extent and good cause of public fury, he's mad at the media and any MPs who talk to the media, ranting away at poor old Kate Hoey in a threatening "See you Jimmy" style more suited to Rab C Nesbitt.
But then he has famously abused the system himself to a ludicrous extent.
Should he resign? I say No actually. No, he should stay - and look a complete tool and suffer the indignity of being sacked by other MPs trying to make themselves look slightly less awful than they really are.

Something that's quite strange in all this however is the number of letters to newspapers from people saying that we'd all do the same wouldn't we. It's human nature isn't it. We're no better.
What?
Sorry - but I *am* better, and so is pretty much everybody I know. And no I *wouldn't* do the same and nor would most people I know.
I don't know who these letter-writers may be, but either they're MPs writing in under false names, trying to excuse their actions, or they're just crap human beings with dismally low standards.
And the reason I - and pretty much everyone I know - wouldn't take the piss like the MPs have done has absolutely nothing to do with the risk of getting caught, or not having the opportunity to do so. No. It's because it's taking the piss and because it's wrong. And we - unlike those who govern us, apparently - happen to know the difference between right and wrong, and we have some basic standards of decency and honesty.
And there's no self righteousness in that, and no pomposity. It's just what being a basically decent human being is all about.

Finally, of all the issues (and they all need fixing - pronto, and properly) the one that apparently is most contentious and cannot be agreed upon is the second homes allowance.
The solution is of course easy. MPs should be put up in a block of serviced apartments. Fittings and fixtures - and access to satellite porn channels - could easily be organised and accounted for, and security would be a doddle. it could be near Westminster, or if they can wait till 2012, then there's going to be an Olympic Athlete's Village freed up.
As that meerkat on the advert says... "Simples".



Oh, and I'm sorry, but who has a fucking *MOAT* in the 21st century for chrissakes???
I mean, really...

And Another Hurrah!

A sarcastic one this time...
One £285m mortgage rescue scheme. One family helped...
Incidentally, on a note completely unrelated to such absurdities, shit policies and awful mismanagement of the country, foreign policy and international affairs, New Labour celebrates 12 years in power today.

The News Quiz Is Back. Hurrah!

Great news - the smug, self-satisfied Now Show steps aside and in its place Radio 4's "News Quiz" returns tonight; Friday May 1st at 6.30pm (repeated Saturday at 12.30pm) - its superbly skewed weekly take on the world returning for an almost unbelievable *68th* series...
Sandi Toksvig chairs, and panellists include Andy Hamilton, Fred MacAulay and Jeremy Hardy.
There should be plenty to poke fun at...
If you don't catch it on the radio, then don't forget you can subscribe to it as a podcast on iTunes.

Tube Strike On Beautiful Hot Sunny Day Shocker

(*Above: RMT workers struggling for justice. In the sun. Again.)

Okay, so I'm a commuter who lives on the Victoria Line and am having today's travel royally screwed over by the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union (RMT) going on strike - but, not being in the slightest a cynical or sarcastic individual, I cannot begrduge them such a lovely day in the sun.

Not only is today "EARTH DAY" and so it's almost poetic that the RMT should choose on our behalf to celebrate the environmental event by not running any tubes on the Victoria Line (thereby saving a bit of energy, and forcing people into their cars so they end up using a lot more instead), but also they have managed to choose (at short notice, I'm guessing by looking at the BBC's excellent 5-day weather forecasts...) an absolutely perfect day for it.
The RMT and London Transport workers' unions in general, tend to be pretty good at picking strike days, although today seems something of an exception as they usually pick the Tuesday after a Bank Holiday to pad out a smashing weekend, or a convenient late-night shopping day in the run-up to Christmas.

But fairplay - it's a good call; lovely sunshine and a tremendous midweek break, and only a shame that the rest of us didn't think of something like this too.
The excuse (sorry... "reason") for the strike is apparently a claim that the trains need safety features to prevent doors from opening on the wrong side - something that I've never once experienced or even heard of in my many years living down here.

Enjoy the sun, chaps - and I look forward to everything being back to normal (ie: Shit) tomorrow.

Wookiees: The Iranian Army's Secret Weapon

News from Iran: Whilst the world's attention has been focused on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's verbal attack on Israel at the UN Racism conference (though Israeli heckling and disruption beforehand & the boycott of people like the USA is apparently perfectly okay... you can behave like total wankers and get away with it so long as you're not Iranian it would appear), few seem to have noticed that the Iranian army actually paraded Wookiee snipers through the streets of Tehran at the weekend on the country's annual Army Day.
This should be of far greater concern to Israel - as these fellas, particularly if combined with a crack-squad of Ewoks, are bloody dynamite.
Wookiees originate from Kashyyyk (which now that I think about it could possibly be an Iranian name) and contrary to the photo, tend to prefer the bowcaster over the AK47.
You can find out more about them at Wookieepedia. Naturally.

Don't It Make You Proud...

Click here for the final, pitiful confirmation that the war on terror was a complete load of bollocks.
One of the few things that makes me proud to be a Brit right now is the outpouring of utter revulsion in all the responses to this news piece (which emerged from a letter in the paper yesterday).
Would be good if an incident as offensive, loathsome and unnecessary as this might finally trigger someone up top to wonder if policing and policing legislation aren't in dire need of change.
I'll leave that on the "unlikely" list though...