One In The Eye...

Cool - Private Eye have published a "Colemanballs" I sent in, in the current issue - 1239.
It's one of the many clangers from Eurosport stand-in MotoGP commentator Carlton Kirby from the Catalunya GP a couple of weeks back....
"Two Spanish flags for the crowd to see – one of them Japanese… "

He's seriously awful though. I should have just sent them a tape of all 3 races and let them publish the lot.
Thankfully the marvellous Toby Moody and Julian Ryder were back on the case this weekend at Assen - despite it being a bit of a downer for my hero Alvaro Bautista in the 250cc race. I say 'bit of a downer' - it was a real huuuuuuuuuge downer actually.
Still - could have been worse... Carlton Kirby could have been commentating too.

Testing, Testing

Just trying out a blogging app for the iPhone; it's called BlogPress. If it works then this should be a picture of Desmond Lynham apparently drowned in the lake at Chiswick Park.
Seems to be a nice app and may well be useful on travels and on MotoGP trips.
I need to move though, as lots of threatening ducks are closing in...


-- Posted From iPhone

Deadline

Post-its... one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. Stop-motion... sublime in the right hands (Ray Harryhausen, Vision-On, Sledgehammer, Creature Comforts...)
Put them together - in the form of a senior Art & Design School project by Bang-​yao Liu and you have "Deadline", a wonderfully playful and imaginative take on procrastination and pressure.
Triffick :-)

This Is What Transparency Looks Like Apparently

Scumbags who have clearly learned nothing whatsoever...

And there's a whole gallery of black marker pen here to show just how embarrassed and shameless this sorry bunch truly are. And, no it's *nothing* to do with security - and it's an insult to even try that excuse on with the public.

Oh, and snippet of the day so far is almost irony-redefining gem from shadow chancellor George Osborne who claimed £47 of our hard-earned cash to pay for two copies of a DVD of his own speech on 'Value for Taxpayers Money'.
Genius.

Sucky Tattoos

Whilst it's not really okay to laugh at the girl who accidentally got almost 60 stars tattooed over her face (well, it kind of is actually - she looks about 12 and shouldn't be allowed within a mile of a tattooist for at least another 6 years...) - it absolutely *IS* okay to laugh at this sorry shower over at YourTattooSucks.com... my personal favouite being the cat's one-eye in your belly button. Class.

Cats Outsmart Scientists By Pretending To Be Thick

This piece in the Guardian, reporting on a scientific “test” that proudly puffs out that cats are actually not that bright, is of course entirely wrong.

That a cat will not co-operate with an insultingly banal examination of its behaviour is not in the least bit surprising. Quite frankly I’d give them some misleading results and have a good old snigger about it if I was a cat. In fact I'd probably have a crap in their lunchboxes on the way out too, just for good measure.

Cats know perfectly well about all kinds of behaviour - that of live beings and that of inanimate objects - and they certainly understand cause and effect (mine have learned to open doors, find and conceal escape routes out of the garden, all kinds of smart and sophisticated stuff that requires cause and effect to be understood) and my money here would be on them outsmarting the scientists by refusing to do what’s expected of them and royally fucking with a stupid experiment that they rightly feel to be beneath them.

As one commenter wryly (& correctly) points out; “Dogs have owners, cats have staff”.

Anyway it’s as good an excuse as any to post up Eddie Izzard’s “Pavlov’s Cat” routine...

Apple iPhone 3.0 Out Today

All excited. Don't forget that today is the iPhone 3.0 software update - nice review of some top features here at Cult of Mac - and of course for those that have more money than sense (I usually include myself in that bracket, but not this time) then there's the costly upgrades of the iPhone itself also becoming available imminently.
This time though I reckon cost far outweighs worth and will be giving it a miss. Much as I want 32Gb of storage for music and movies, dammit.

iPhone App Download Hyperwall

Hyperwall in WWDC 2009, Live from App Store from Imagebakery on Vimeo.

Yes, it's another utterly unfathomable headline...
Geeky but fun - this is a "hyperwall" (apparently) at this week's Apple Worldwide Developers' Conference (WWDC) showcasing the popularity of iPhone apps, with a selection of around 20,000 of them pulsing and sending out ripples across a matrix of twenty 30" Cinema Displays as they are sold in realtime.
Somewhere in the region of 3,000 apps are downloaded every minute incidentally...

More Music - In Transit

I’ve uploaded another piece of music; again under the “Rain Dogs” monicker.
It’s something that I’d kind of done before - but was never 100% satisfied with... It’s called “in transit” and originally the main groove was done in a patch that was basically something like treated white noise. Also the trumpet sound that I used wasn’t the best (although it was very nice).

Now, using Logic 8 and with the help of the software synths like Smapletank and Absynth, I’ve been able to revisit it - and have pulled apart the groove into a number of separate elements of things like dulled metallic hits and strangely EQ’d toms with an extreme ping-ponging left-right delay on them, and found a great muted jazz trumpet patch to work with (and a nice CP80 piano sound) - and as a result I’ve found it relatively easy to go back and strip down and completely reinvent the arrangement.
It's now totally what I had in my head originally. And that's a good thing.

The last couple of nights I’ve been doing the annoying bit of trying to sort out the detail of the final mixdown and to master it very carefully without losing the vibe/feel of the whole thing in the process.
I think I’ve done it, and if you want to hear the result, you can download “in transit” here...

Enjoy.

Cheap Gag Of The Day

Fnarr Fnarr...
Thanks to Chris

"The Excrescence" - Bell At His Best

The utterly awesome Steve Bell on the rise of the BNP in last week's elections...

Guardian Writer Spots Upside To BNP Victory

Despite the fact that opening sentence includes the words "Britain has finally voted in a fascist leader" here is a remarkably upbeat assessment of how the BNP's election victories can allow them to be put under closer scrutiny and for their racist, fascistic shitwit agenda to be properly exposed.

It's appalling that they have been able to gain ground (although it's only slightly reassuring to know that their vote actually wnet down from 2004 - and therefore the gains are at the predictable expense of the mainstream and particularly Labour, in the midst of the current meltdown). Sadly Labour have also made their stance more acceptable by not challenging it as bollocks, but pandering to the worst instincts of those the BNP try to frighten and lurched further and further to the loathsome right themselves.

And Andy Burnham is wrong when he says that whatever happens, the BNP is not the answer. They are, in one and only one particular instance, definitely the answer... And that is when the question is "I'm a complete cunt, who should I vote for?"
And only then.

Pint Of Hemlock & A Packet Of Crisps Please

A new theory on the exact nature of Socrates' death - and to what extent he brought it on himself - is revelaed today in a new book by Cambridge University prefessor, Paul Cartledge.

Parrot Fashion

Despite the utter meltdown in government and in the local & EU elections (BNP taking a Lancashire county council seat for chrissake...) Labour MPs will be glad to know that they don't have to really think too hard about what's happening to them - and what they're inflicting on us.
No, they can just check the brains in at the door as per usual and rely on this handy cribsheet of patronising homilies, soundbites and deflections to use should they be required to give their own opinion...
It's like a very long version of Bullshit Bingo.

MotoGP.com Release Awesome iPhone App

I have a (possibly ever-so slightly deserved) reputation as a bit of a geek / nerd / saddo when it comes to anything Mac or iPhone related. So, imagine my joy then, when I was pointed at a dedicated iPhone app from MotoGP.com

Let's face it, MotoGP and Dorna have been way more innovative, smart and genuinely rewarding in their approach to online delivery than F1 - and far better at doing something of genuine interest to punters.
And so perhaps this is no great surprise. Doesn't mean that it's not worth a bit of a rave though...
It's a thoroughly tasty piece of work from start to finish, playing both to their own strengths in content and data, and the iPhone's strengths in interface and usability.

The key to it of course is dynamic data - in this case, live timing with race lap, rider position, lap time, gap time, and top speed. And nice touches like rotating the iPhone into 'horizontal' position to get a full live timing view, and live commentary from the MotoGP crew as well.
The app also provides access to race results, championship results, latest news, rider profiles, competition calendars and schedules, and a huge photo gallery.
Aside from all the good functionality, it also has the MotoGP.com excellent branding DNA, and attention to detail, in buckets. It's one of the slickest looking apps I've seen. (*And I've seen more than enough to prove I should get out more...)

To be honest it's a steal at only £1.79 and certainly an invaluable addition to the tech tools of anyone who loves MotoGP and their gadgets.

For some bizarre reason MotoGP.com have disabled 'embedding' of their Youtube demo of the app - which is a real shame as it'd be nice to just plonk it on the page here and share it on other sites and blogs, but if you click on this link then you can watch it anyway...

Finally, if you need no further persuading then just click here to go directly to the app in iTunes...

Anthony Davidson Back Behind The Wheel

I was hugely disappointed when Ant Davidson slipped out of F1 with the collapse of the Super Aguri team in 2008. He was always one of my favourite drivers of the modern era; a great racer and a great developer/tester too... your kind of ideal man in any team really.
(And also someone pretty much devoid of ego - very refreshing and likeable in today’s F1).
The good news - apart from the fact that he’s a brilliant commentator (press your red button on the BBC’s F1 coverage and get swapping the audio channel to him and David Croft on Radio 5 Live!) is that he still has his hand in as a driver, and now there’s some great news of his entering one of motorsport’s legendary annual events this coming month.

Aston Martin Racing recently confirmed that Ant will be one of three new drivers recruited to enable the team to run a trio of Gulf-liveried LMP1 cars at this year’s Le Mans 24 Hours, which marks the 50th anniversary of Aston Martin’s first victory at La Sarthe in 1959. Joining the existing Aston Martin drivers along with Ant will be Stuart Hall (GB) and Jos Verstappen (NL).
Ant recently tested Aston Martin’s LMP1 car in Portugal, completing three one-hour stints and is a familiar face in this category of motorsport as he worked with the team in 2003, racing at Le Mans, Sebring and Petit Le Mans in the GT class.

“Particularly as a British driver, racing for a team as prestigious as Aston Martin is a fantastic opportunity,” says Ant... “I know the team and its capabilities extremely well from the past, and I’m convinced that there is nobody better prepared to tackle all the challenges that Le Mans will present us with. At the test I felt comfortable with the car straight away, and now I’m looking forward to taking the fight to the other teams at Le Mans. I’m certainly aiming for us to be the quickest petrol car there and hopefully we can get in amongst the diesels as well.”

The Le Mans 24 Hours race takes place on 13-14 June.

Best of luck Ant - hope you do brilliantly :-)

Mac Keyboard Skull Shirt

Okay... Weird headline... Sounds a bit random stream of consciousness I know.
Sorry but couldn't think of a better 'short' way of putting it.

Think I may have to treat myself to one of these for the summer...
A funky t-shirt off the Red Bubble website - by a Brighton designer called Roger - featuring a skull made out of two sets of Mac keyboards.
The white keys come from an extended white Mac keyboard; the black keys were taken from the original iMac.
To check it out in full, or indeed to go buy it, you should click here...

Okay - since I started writing that, I succumbed to temptation and bought it.
Feel much better for doing so. You probably should too...


Spotted on Cult of Mac

Animals On The Underground

I had one of those random synaptic firings after I posted the piece on TFL's "Departure Boards" web tool - which reminded me of the excellent Animals On The Underground website.

If you've never encountered this, it's a bundle of fun - and something you too can have fun with if you have a copy of the Underground diagram and a pencil...
Basically people have found the shapes of all kinds of animals in the lines of the London Underground as they're displayed on Harry Beck's 'Diagram' - or 'map' as it's lazily referred to.
A few years back there were very few animals - I believe a guy called Paul Middlewick was the initiator of all this, but it seems to have blossomed more recently, and there's a whole page of them here...
And they've also got some cool merchandise, which helps fund IFAW.

Paddington Never Used To Be In Camden....

Cool / weird trick of the day...

Click on this link to go to Google Maps, or alternatively try putting '54 Great Russell St, Camden Town' into the Google Maps page...

Then click on "Street View".

Street View, it would appear, is not only an intrusion into privacy but also some kind of portal into an alternate universe.

Expenses Claim Completely Quackers

(*Taxpayers' money well-spent, don't you think...)

Sorry about the tabloid headline by the way. Couldn't help it.
The latest news on the expenses scandal is the revelation that those who are forced to quit over their thieving from the public purse are likely to get huge pay-offs and pensions... Given how the government has been so adept at rushing through 'emergency' legislation to try and curb our human rights I'll be shocked and disappointed if they don't rush something through to prevent such payouts.
Who am I kidding - I'll be not in the least bit surprised if they do bugger all.

Also, the ludicrous Douglas Hogg MP - from now on to be called Mr Moativator - has actually been bettered by another Tory stereotype, Sir Peter Viggers, who spent well over one and a half grand of our money on what has been described as either a "Duck Palace" or a "Duck Island" - one of which sounds like a Chinese restaurant and the other a very disappointing pirate movie. I personally think it's best described as a "fucking liberty".

The other update is that Hazel Blears' head is now considered to be in serious danger of falling off altogether. It's been madly bobbing around like a bladder on a stick for sometime now, but anyone seeing news reports from the last couple of days must surely be alarmed at the wild rocking and rotating that's developing. Like something out of the Exorcist really...
She needs some scaffolding round it, and sharpish too. But she can pay for it herself, the scheming old bat.

Tube "Departure Boards" on WWW & iPhone

(*Yes, it's always this much fun...)

Quite a nice new development from TFL, the people who bring you tube trains. Sometimes.
It's a new web tool called "Departure Boards" which as the name suggests, provides upcoming live train information in exactly the format you would see on the departure boards at any given station.
You simply select any station from any line, and - whoomph - there it is.
Excellent piece of work, and one that could only be seriously bettered if it were translated into a bespoke iPhone application; something which has in fact been done here by awavana.com - and very nice it is too.

Although the interface and execution are nice - and it is genuinely a great idea for communicating data, there does remain the question of the relevance and accuracy of the information itself. Let us not forget that last year the Departure Boards at Gunnersbury Station (District Line, Richmond Branch) were actually nominated for the 2008 Whitbread Prize For Fiction...



(*Okay; so that last bit was untrue... But only because nobody had the presence of mind to fill in a nomination form)

Point Of Order

Something that's becoming quite galling in the current "snouts in the trough" MPs' expenses scandal (and I can only apologise for any offence that might cause to pigs everywhere) is the repeated blame on the 'terrible system' (which, of course, they actually made up and oversee...) and the repeated squirming that they've always acted completely "within the rules".
In the case of Shahid Malik he said that he acted "one million percent within the rules" which suggests we can only be grateful they never gave him a job in the Treasury.

Anyhow - for his plasma screen telly and massage chair, and Douglas Hogg's moat-cleaning, and other poeple's toilet seats, lawnmowers, gardeners, Sky Sports subscriptions, luxury rocking chairs, dog food, tennis court repairs, prams, garage doors, tin openers, etc - there is actually a very simple test as to whether they were inside the rules or not...
You simply ask if they meet the requirements set out in Parliament's own Green Book - Section 1.3 - "Fundamental Principles".

It explicitly says this...
"Claims must only be made for expenditure that it was necessary for a Member to incur to ensure that he or she could properly perform his or her parliamentary duties."

I'd say that was pretty bloody black and white.

To me, even without all the additional clauses about avoiding any notion of impropriety I think I would have the common sense to know exactly what would and would not qualify.
I don't reckon I'd need to ask any Fees Office or anybody else for that matter. If MPs aren't capable of understanding that simple a statement then they are utterly unsuitable to be entrusted with any kind of role in governance and legislation. In fact if they can't understand that, they should really be shelf-stacking or spot-welding or something.